My Grandmother is the funniest person I know.
Grandmother: “Nunzio! I need you to fix the bathroom sink.”
Grandfather: “I’ll do it tomorrow Marie.”
Grandmother: “That’s what you always say! Your to-do list is so long, I could fill up 5 toilet paper rolls with it. (dramatically unfurls invisible roll).”
To this day I can’t look at toilet paper without thinking about all the things I need to do.
Grandmother: “You wouldn’t believe what happened to me on Halloween. I got a knock at the door and there was this kid in a horrible costume, with a scream mask, I think it’s called. Well, I went to give them some candy from my bucket and the kid tried to grab the entire thing from my hand! Well, I said no way is this kid going to bully me so I fought back, and started hitting them on the head, to get them to let go. I was so mad. As I was beating them I hear them say,’Marie, STOP! It’s just me!’ It was my neighbor playing a joke. ”
Grandmother: “I was on my way out the door when I looked down and found this awful snake on my door mat. I must have startled it for it went under the mat, but I could still see it’s tail. Ugh. So I called your Grandfather and told him to come home right away, to get rid of it. He said he was on his way. I waited. Ten minutes. Twenty minutes. I couldn’t wait any longer so I did what I had to. I opened the door and the tail was still there, just sticking out. So I jumped. I jumped up and down on that mat until the tail didn’t move any more. I left it for Nunzio to move when he got back”
… The ironic part about that last story is that my Father accidently killed a mouse the same way. He tried to shoot it with a bb-gun but the little guy ran right at him, startled him, and he landed right on top of it. Must be a family trait.